Long live CID: The curious case of India’s longest running TV show

BombaySuper_CID

 

Suspect1(Female) banging on a door anxiously. Suspect2 (Male) enters.

Suspect2: What happened?
Suspect1: Our son, the victim is not opening the door. I am scared. We should call CID.
Suspect2: He could be wanking with his headphones on and why CID? Shouldn’t we try calling the police on 100?
Suspect1: Is this your first episode? Haven’t you watched a single one in 17 years? In this show, we ONLY call the CID.

CID team enters.

Suspect2: Sir our son, the victim is inside this room. There is no other way to enter this room and I have been banging on this door for 10 minutes now so he could not be wanking or asleep.
Suspect1: Sir I have heard that you show such “mercy” to doors that they fall open for you.
ACP Pradyuman to Daya:  Lo and behold, Daya darwaza tod do.

Daya forces the door open using his left shoulder. ACP enters the room first and finds a human body in a pool of blood.

ACP to Abhijit: Oh my God! Abhijit yahan par toh laash hai.
Suspect2: Sir this is our son, the victim.

Suspect1 and Suspect2 wail.

ACP to Suspect1: When did you last see him? What was he doing then?
Suspect2: Sir, the last time I saw our son, the victim was at 12.45…

Daya slaps Suspect2 on the left cheek.

Daya: Stop saying “our son, the victim”. He is a human being and not the title of a Sunny Deol movie.

Suspect2 covers his left cheek with his hand.

Suspect2: At 12.45 he was alive and awesome…

Daya slaps him again on the right cheek.

Daya: You are only supposed to use tag lines of our show sponsors.

Suspect2 now covers both his cheeks with his hands.

Suspect2: But then at 1.15 I saw Suspect1 banging on his door.
Abhijit to Suspect1: What were you up to?
Suspect1: I was chopping vegetables at 1 and last saw him alive at 1.02 when he was upset and fidgeting with his modem. He has been upset with his ISP for a week now. So I am hinting that he could have been so upset that he committed suicide.
ACP: Pata lagao Daya 1-1.15 ke beech yeh internet par kya raha tha.

ACP enters Salunkhe’s forensic lab where he is looking at the hilt of a knife through his mobile phone torch light.

<Insert hair joke between Salunkhe and Pradyuman>

Abhijit: Doctor where’s Tarika?
Salunkhe: Well she is at home taking a Coursera course on “How to avoid hopeless flirts?”  Don’t take this personally Abhijit. She completed her forensic science degree through correspondence from IGNOU. Ok back to work. ACP the fingerprints on the hilt are not the victim’s. And also the nature of the wound suggests that it could not have been inflicted by the victim himself.

ACP’s face is lit up; he raises his eyebrows and asks Abhijit.

ACP: Iska matlab samjhe Abhijit?

Everyone looks at Abhijit as his expressions suggest that he is trying to figure out the lyrics of a Gulzar song. Then he has his Eureka moment in which he gets Inception and Ship of Theseus in the same thought.

Abhijit: Iska matlab yeh suicide nahi murder hai?

At this moment, we see that everyone except the ACP is wearing “I am with GENIUS” t-shirts with the arrowhead on the t-shirt pointing towards the ACP. Daya enters with a bunch of papers in his hand.

ACP: Kya hua Daya? Kuch pata laga?
Daya: Sir, the victim was surfing porn between 1 – 1.15.
ACP: But if he was surfing porn he could not have been upset.

He raises one eyebrow this time and does his signature Fleming’s left hand rule gesture.

ACP: Kuch toh gadbad hai Daya.

Salunkhe: The fingerprints on the hilt are Suspect1’s.

ACP: O!

CID team visit victim’s house again.

ACP: We have found the murderer. Daya please do the needful.

Daya slaps Suspect2 who falls into a chair in the CID interrogation room.

ACP: So you caught your son wanking and killed him. Then very carefully you replaced the hilt of the knife with one from the knife which Suspect1 was using to chop vegetables. This is a clear case of honor killing. Ab tujhe phaasi se koi nahi bacha sakta.

Suspect1: Sir you are indeed a legend. For my last wish please give me one of those ‘I am with GENIUS’ t-shirts.
Daya: No you will be wearing this one.
Daya hands out a t-shirt to Suspect2 which reads “I will be with Kasab soon”.

In spite of episodes based on the same template and dumbed down dialogues CID is never boring and still enjoys a huge base of serious fans. Notwithstanding the nature of TV programs at present where soaps have glamorous protagonists and reality show contestants have inspiring skills, CID with a bald 63 year old lead still interests many. And the very fact that the show has not changed much in almost 2 decades has created some following. So even if you were 18 when the first episode aired, CID might be the only thing that is common to the pop culture of both your generation and the next one though for different reasons.

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