Ch-ch-ch-Chennai Express

ChennaiExpress

HRH Shahrukh Khan has a habit of releasing these big-budget summer blockbusters that are so quintessentially Bollywood; generous servings of love-scene-sizzle, city-scene chases and dishim-dishim drama. This year’s Chennai Express is no exception with Prince Khan and his go-to leading lady, Deepika, in a rollicking, over-the-top mash-up of all the Bollywood clichés.

Here’s what we’re sure of:

Shahrukh will stutter.

A stutter tells a woman that, though you’re an ass-kicking hero, you’re vulnerable. It says you’re sensitive and interested in her soul rather than (just) her bootilcious body. And it’s an antidote for the huge amounts of testosterone you’ve just expelled kicking all that arse in Madras.

Squinting will ensue.

The narrowing of eyes  into a deadly serious squint tells the villain that you are in charge and you know exactly what’s up his dirty sleeve. Master of the squint, when Shahrukh’s eyes narrow into slits, you better sit up and pay attention because somebody’s about to get a good old fashioned ass-beating.

Lungis will fly, thambi.

As the name might suggest, it’s set in South India so we expect to see men wearing lungis, sporting million-dollar moustaches and using lots and lots of hair gel to get that swept back, feathered effect.

Accents and Accentability.

Accents will be on full display. How else would an actor trying to make his mark demonstrate his thespian prowess and feel all yakka chikki man?

Hopefully it won’t all be predictable Bollywood fare. And perhaps the performances will make up for Shahrukh’s devotion to formula. And Deepika’s always good to look at no matter how flimsy the storyline, no? F*ck it dude, go get yourself some dishiim-dishim, it’s like chicken soup for the desi soul.

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